Deployment Cycle of Emotions: You’re Not Alone
By: MJ Boice, Staff Writer
Experts have studied the cycle of emotions military families encounter during deployment and have found certain emotional characteristics can be identified through different phases throughout each deployment.Every military family will have a different set of challenges when experiencing deployments. Likewise, each member of a military family will have different reactions based on their unique placement in the family.
No matter what phase of the deployment cycle you are in, you are not alone.
Phase 1: Anticipation
This phase will typically begin almost as soon as your service member receives their deployment orders.
Couples – You might feel an increase in tension at home, and it’s not uncommon to feel anger or resentment towards your service member when they have to work longer hours. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself bickering with your partner, as many couples do this as a way of distancing themselves from one another to prepare for deployment separations. Speaking openly about fears and frustrations can help keep feelings from getting hurt in the end.
Children – If you have children, it’s important to keep them in the loop about an upcoming deployment. Depending on their age, make sure they understand both parents love them very much and encourage them to talk about their own fears and frustrations.
Phase 2: Detachment and Withdrawal
In the final days leading up to your service member’s deployment, your family may start to close down emotionally, or avoid emotions altogether.
Couples – Even though you and your service member might be racing the clock to get everything in order before their departure, try not to use your laundry list of tasks to avoid one another. Don’t be surprised if you want them to just “leave already.” It’s normal to want to rip the Band-Aid off and just get on with it, as the anticipation often can lead to anxiety.
Children – Depending on your child’s age, they may be confused or angry around this period of time. Some military kids become upset with the parent who is deploying, and others might feel as though they did something to make their deploying parent want to leave. Give children the opportunity to be part of the process, especially on the day of the departure. It might be tempting to leave them with a baby-sitter to avoid the hassle or spare their feelings, however, try to include them as much as possible through each step of the deployment.
Phase 3: Elevated Emotion
One to six weeks into the deployment, you and your family might feel as though your worlds have been turned upside-down. Experts refer to this as emotional disorganization. This is largely due to the disruption in your family’s every-day routine, which can leave you and your children feeling pretty overwhelmed. You may find yourself shouldering more responsibilities while flying solo, so be cautious of all the plates you’re spinning. Always remember that it’s ok to say no to extra commitments over the next few months. It’s very possible you’ll feel disorganized or depressed in the beginning, and you don’t want to burn out so early on in the deployment.
Couples – Your service member will likely be very busy settling into their own deployment mind-set. Usually their focus is on their mission, instead of their marriage. Many spouses have reported feeling so overwhelmed by everything on their plate they begin to believe that their service member has it easy on deployment. It may feel as though the family has taken a ‘back-burner’ to their service member’s priorities, but remember: just because they’re putting the mission first doesn’t mean they’re putting your family last.
Children – Your children may begin showing signs they’re upset in the phase. It’s important to remember that their emotions won’t show the same way an adults would. Kids often show signs they are struggling in ways that may make you feel as though you’re trying to piece together a puzzle. It’s not uncommon for behavior to regress. A young child who’s been potty-trained for quite a while might begin to have accidents. You may notice your school-aged children’s grades begin to slip. Make sure they know that the rules haven’t changed, but be there for them and seek professional help if you feel like their behavior is out of your scope.
Phase 4: New Routines
As you gain your footing and establish your own battle-rhythm, you’ll find your family will begin settling into your new normal. You may feel a greater sense of independence and confidence that you wouldn’t have even dreamed of in the months before. Many spouses have referred to this stage of the deployment as the “Super Hero/Wonder Woman” phase.
Couples – As you and your service member begin to settle into your new routines more easily, you may find that communication between the two of you has improved. Many couples are able to breathe a sigh of relief that the deployment is officially underway and begin making plans upon their return to the home front. While you both may feel that the family is functioning well at this point, make sure this newfound stability trickles down to the rest of your family as well.
Children – Your children may experience this phase in a few different ways. They may adapt well and settle into you’re the new routine nicely, or they might begin acting out or getting crankier each day. Some children need more time than others to adjust to having their parent gone for long periods of time. Bottom line: this phase brings both positive and negative challenges on the home front. It’s important for parents to acknowledge the negative and help them to embrace the positive.
Phase 5: The Home Stretch
Homecoming is often referred to as the “best part of deployment” and tends to bring about feelings of relief and excitement. As your family begins the planning process to welcome your deployed loved one home, it’s important to recognize that your idea of the perfect homecoming may not mesh with what your service member has in mind. Make sure you ask them what their expectations are before you begin the planning process. A host of mixed emotions may arise, from happiness to anxiety, so make sure to keep the lines of communication open on this subject with all members of the family.
Couples – At this point, you’re probably full of joy at the thought of being with your service member again. They probably share in that sense of relief as well, though they may also be feeling a bit of anxiety if they begin wondering if their family even needs them anymore. It’s absolutely normal for them to be apprehensive about what life will look like when they get back, so try to reassure them through this. Remind them that, while the world did keep spinning in their absence, you’ll be happy once they’re back in your universe.
Children – Your younger children are going to take emotional cues from you regarding your service member’s return. Older kids might be relieved that their mom or dad will soon be home, but they might also feel anxious and wonder if they will be the same person they were when they left. Teens might be afraid that they didn’t meet their deployed parent’s expectations while they were away. Whatever their individual worries are, make sure to discuss this with your service member so they have a heads up before they get home.
Phase 6: Homecoming
It’s important for everyone to remember that schedules, especially in the military, can change at the drop of a hat. Your family may have planned to meet your service member on base or at the airport at noon on a Saturday, only to find that the schedule changed and now they won’t be in until midnight that evening. Make sure you inform extended family that this scenario may be possible and to make travel plans accordingly.
Couples – Don’t be surprised if you or your service member feel awkward at first. It’s completely normal to be nervous around one another, especially since you haven’t communicated in-person in a while. Many spouses have felt so out of place that they equate the homecoming experience to having their first kiss. It might take a while to get back into the romantic groove of things after being apart for so long.
The first few days after their return, you and your service member may go through a honeymoon period. Everything feels new to both of you, including your relationship. Once your service member begins navigating their way into the family’s routine again, they may feel like strangers in their own house. Since you were the one calling the shots during the deployment it might be a bit difficult to give up those reigns, even if it’s just to share the burden of those responsibilities. Bottom line: you and your service member will need to learn how to make decisions as a couple again. At first you might feel as though you’ve lost that independence you acquired while they were gone, but try to remember that you two are a team and you both can pick up where the other leaves off.
Children – Homecoming is just as exciting for your children as it is for you. It can be equally as confusing for them as well. Your kids will need to re-establish their relationship with the returning parent, which can take a little while. They are used to always relying on you to answer their questions, give them permission and meet their needs. It’s important to remind the returning parent about this and ask that they not take it personally. This is just the habit they’ve gotten into during the deployment and it can take some time to remind them that they have two parents who can help with homework now instead of just one!
Phase 7: Reintegration
By now you’ve probably realized that the deployment doesn’t end the day they come home. Your service member still needs to reintegrate back into the family, and this can be an adjustment for everyone. Another “new normal” has to be established, which may look very different after each deployment.
Couples – As a couple, you’ll begin to slowly ease into a comfortable routine together over the next few months. There will be some trial and error, as each family member has inevitably changed since the day your service member left for deployment. Roles and responsibilities have changed, and it’s time to renegotiate them. Some spouses have no trouble giving the financial responsibilities right back to their service members upon their return, while others have become interested in managing the family finances. Either way, discussing your roles in areas like this will help head off any miscommunication. If your service member appears to be having an unusually difficult time adjusting, or their behavior is unsettling in any way, it’s important you ask that they seek help. Offer to go with them and let them know you’re there for them every step of the way.
Children – Just as you and your service member are working to re-adjust after deployment, your children are as well. Of course they’re over the moon that mommy or daddy is home, however they may begin to push some boundaries as they adjust to the new family dynamics. Younger children may have a hard time accepting the service member’s return because they might be worried they’ll leave again soon. They may also begin acting out since there are now to parents to dole out needed discipline instead of one. It’s also not uncommon for teens to begin rebelling a bit; as they may feel resentment regarding the service member’s prolonged absence.
The deployment cycle of emotions will look different for everyone. You may stay in one phase longer than another, or your family may skip a phase altogether. No matter where you are in the deployment cycle, NMFA is here to help.
How does your family deal with the cycle of emotions during deployment?
I been waiting for my man 3 years why it taking so long
So we have found ourselves in this crazy epidemic which many have a tug of war feeling about it … my husband and I had some personal issues we were trying to work on right before he was deployed and this is when this Covid-19 was just starting to shut down everything . We have a 3 year old and a 12 year old …. trying to be strong for them even before he had to leave which had to be sooner bc of this whole thing to quarantine themselves. Didn’t help anything , I felt I took a step backwards with the struggles we even tried to accomplish before he had to go , then this happened . It was numbing for a bit . But the reality that I can’t even have the support team of the frg( meaning is all hanging out and helping one another in person) or other things that will help us through a regular deployment , we can’t get together or say hey I need a break for a few hours … we have to do it from a distance and they have worked hard on this , and it’s a glimpse of happiness ,, but what if you are still having issues with depression . Trying to deal with the trying to move ahead right before he left me and the kids to go out to sea . And the type of boat he is on we can’t have communication through phone or send pictures , and if we get emails we are lucky . And to have my family that lives on the opposite side of the United States doesn’t make it easier . So I don’t know if I’m the only one when I say , I am kind of upset at times to see “ we are all in this together and stay home with your family “ and it then usually resorts to the husband and the wife and the kids . And then they either complain bc they are driving each other crazy bc they have to be with them constantly …. and it’s trying for each individual , I get that … I wish I had him here , to help out and to even work on our struggles and to work together as a family . But I can’t even talk to him . So I have yet to see a commercial specifically like that . Just to maybe let those people know it could be worse . I understand the essential and the first responders are doing their part and we are so thankful . I am just tired of turning on the tv and seeing people complain about being stuck in house with their family . I don’t have that a lot of wives that I know don’t have that and it’s silenced . But we have to be bc we are military wives .
And also this has created a depression for me for when I do talk to family or see them all quarantined together I get more depressed. I know they want to know I am safe and ok, but I need someone here( in person) like me like my mom , or my dad , or my stepmother or my brother or bet friend . Certain family members of mine feel helpless when I try to explain this and I’ve had mental breakdowns . It’s hard to be strong , yet I’m still doing my duty as a military wife , but the struggle is real and I’m interested to know how bad this will change me , or even how long it will take me to get back to normal , . So my ending statement ….. if you have your husband , your kids and your wife and you all have to go through this together feel lucky bc there are so many who don’t have and don’t have communication with their better half during these times .
Hi Rita, I am sorry to hear your husband didn’t come home. Usually deployments have a set end period. The average length of deployments is about 7 months. When people deploy multiple times, the average deployment length is 17 months.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK206861/
There are no deployments currently that would last that long. I don’t think he is on deployment. Investigate other potential reasons he would be gone that long.
Have done so well this deployment. Hit the home stretch and then the dreaded delay which has sparked some anxiety for me. I usually feel very capable and energetic but so much self doubt the past few days. Any tips from the seasoned vets on picking myself back up. Just seems endless with no return date in sight.
They can extend there deployment once time is up. They would be placed in a new unit over there. Sorry for you all
My fiancé deploys in March & just told me that we need to “take a step back” t focus on preparing for deployment. I am heartbroken as it’s hard to differentiate between him saying he needs to distance & ending our relationship… I have never done this before & am so scared of losing him & afraid that he won’t love me anymore when he gets back. He reassured me this isn’t the case but says we need to re-engage in our relationship when he’s home in 14 months. I feel like I can’t do this without him… help please ????
You have the strength. I was the same way when my husband deployed at first. But after 3 months I was taking care of things like a champ. Between dropping my oldest son off at school every single day, working night shifts at the hospital, having a breast fed 11month old. It was alot. I felt defeated at times but then I remembered, I am stronger than I look. I thought I couldn’t live without my husband. I thought what would I do without him?. But after some months, I found a sense of security within myself and independence. Its was an amazing feeling. I found myself again. And at the end of it all, you realize it was worth it.
First deployment I’ve been through and I’m ashamed of myself for letting it make me feel so overwhelmed. Four kids, a new promotion and taking care of the house while my husband says stuff to me like, wish I was there to help you,” feels like a slap in the face. Honestly he didn’t help with most of it when he was here but at least I could vent about it. Now if I try to tell him about my day we lose reception and I lose my mind. I should be stronger than this? Feeling defeated.
My husband and I just got married. A month ago and he deploys In a few weeks. He has deployed before but this is the first time living with him and seeing him preparing for deployment. He has been on edge and arguing with me about the house not being clean enough etc. i am a full time nurse and I work nights and I feel like he speaks to me so rudely and disrespectfully and then when I get hurt he blames me for not supporting his deployment when I’m more upset with his tone and Increased stress that he seems to be taking it out on me and I don’t deserve that. I asked to spend more time with him before he leaves and he said he only cares about the deployment and mission and not me as a new wife or our marriage and it is scary and hurtful. People keep saying that people fight before they deploy and I feel like our relationship is at its worst ever and I don’t want him to leave without it being resolved but he’s already shut down and it puts me in a painful lonely position. He was like our marriage will either make it or not. And has been ignoring me and is not willing to talk and smooth things over before he leaves for 6 months.
Women in the Army do not have it easier. Like their male counterparts, day-to-day life for women in the military is mostly training and working out. Depending on the rank and position, there may be other activities, such as attending classes. It is hard to go into the specifics because there are over 800 different jobs across the branches of the U.S armed forces, which will entail a distinct military life.
He told me his deployment ends in December. But today he told me that the deployment could get extended. He told me he just trying to be prepared for what now looks inevitable.
well.. reading this article i think has helped me so much….for the past few weeks ive found myself feeling more distant then my BF whos getting ready (not soon) for deployment, he cant even tell me when it is until it gets closer but by his schedule its clear that this deployment is messing with this working hour and schedule. being a Vet, myself, i thought i could handle this easier but I really am starting to see that’s not the case… im in Phase two and didn’t even know it.
but reading this gives me so much clarity and its put all these feelings ive had into the definition. thank you for writing this And i hope it can help others in the future
We made it! He has been home 3 months. Home coming was very awckward with all my excitement, him not recognizing us and a feeling if eternity before he hugged me.
Its been alright, its sooooo very good to have my soldier home!!! The greatest relief and gratitude everyday wether we are working things out or all is good.
The hardest part right now is all my fear and anxiety that piled up is now against us. Working on letting go of that and rewiring the mind to focus on positives. He is having troubles bonding to our 3 year old and 18 month old. This is tough but I had my part.